The Secret Parade
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Saturday, November 07, 2015You know those conversations when people start talking about a particular country and then you chime in with "yeah I've been there!" and then start talking about your experiences? For example... China Me: Yeah I've been there! I ate a starfish along the streets. My stomach also hurt very often but I'm not sure why... USA Me: Yeah I've been there! BURGERS AND FRIES FOR A DOLLAR. Oh I also expanded into a 75kg ball but I'm not sure why... Mexico Me: Yeah I've been there! One night I tried giving the cab driver a shoulder massage so that he'd give us a dollar discount because we had spent too much money on tequila and tacos... But every time people mentioned Japan, I didn't have much to say because I've never been there. The most 'Japanese' experience I've had was, you know, eating a Donburi with chopsticks.  Eventually I realized that the only nuggets of trivia about Japan that I was using to spice up conversations may not even be true ("Oh I heard that there are vending machines selling used underwear!"). Aside from possibly spreading falsehoods about Japan faster than you can say 'Dragon Ball Z,' I was also (understandably) grossing people out and ruining my angelic image. Hence, I decided to go and check it out for myself. Also because Scoot was offering $400 round-trip tickets and since I'm  Also, it was the perfect time because I had a  Ena and I at Harajuku with piping hot Calbee potato sticks and Salt & Butter chips (YES that exists). Here's what I learnt from my time in Tokyo. #1: I AM MANY THINGS, BUT 'KAWAII' ISN'T ONE OF THEM Japan is the land of kawaii (cute). Everything is cute.  So of course when Ena took me to a sticker printing photobooth, I went all 'method' and fully committed to the craft. Of course, judging from my history with sticker photobooths, I should've known that the only things that would stick from the experience are shame and humiliation.  Aged 5 and with bad bangs that would plague me for life. You think I'm kidding about being haunted by bad bangs.  I am not. So this is what transpired. 
Yes I judge myself too HAHAHA.
Now let's dissect everything that is wrong with the below.
 Left: I know long legs are a standard of beauty but no one's getting fooled when penne suddenly shrinks to angel hair pasta, dude. Right: My mistake because the machine kept telling us we were running out of time to decorate so I panicked and did random things, but I look like I just shat a panda HAHAHA. Ena and I were at the Tsukiji fish market in line for what Ronald promised to be "LIFE CHANGING SUSHI." The caps lock was the only reason I was willing to endure a 45-minute wait. For someone who starts eating the fries first when she doesn't have the patience to wait till the burger comes, this is significant. Like my waistline. But when you're at a tourist attraction, you end up encountering some amusing people. Like this guy.  Prior to his photobomb, he was chatting up a Singaporean lady who was next to him in line and telling her about all his awesome travel experiences ("Yeah I've climbed Kilimanjaro which is awesome," and she agreed that it was "cool" without regaling him with a similar mountain-climbing experience. Because the closest thing we have to a mountain is Bukit Timah Hill, which a hamster can ascend in ten minutes while chewing on sunflower seeds because BT Hill is basically a speed bump x10. I know it's rude to eavesdrop but they were right behind us! I couldn't plug my fingers into my ears and start singing the national anthem to block out the conversation. Also it doesn't help that I'm a bloody stalker.  But back to the guy, who eventually went in for the kill. Him: Do you have Facebook? Her: I deactivated it (HAH. I call BS.) Him: What do you use in Singapore? Whatsapp? Text? Telegram? I have Telegram you should try Telegram it's pretty cool At this point Ena and I were giving each other looks and I was trying to restrain my "HAHAHA" laugh because I think it'd just make all the fish come alive again and wish they could die again. To distract ourselves from eavesdropping even further, we whipped out our phones for a #selfie. And this is when he photobombed us. Me: Thanks man, very beautiful. We'll send it to you. Him: *continuing the joke* Yeah send it to me on Facebook And before I could stop myself... Me: HAH. I'll send it to you on TELEGRAM. At this point the black woman in my head immediately snaps her fingers with an "OH NO YOU DID'NT!" Ena bursts into the laugh that we hear only when she's drunk ('HARHARHARHARHAR"). The Singaporean girl's face becomes pink like the salmon she's in line for. And that poor guy probably sent a Telegram to his friends to let them know that Singapore is a horrible place with horrible people. #3: LIFE SHOULD BE A GIANT ONSEN Onsens are Japanese hot springs with a variety of hot water baths both indoors and outdoors. They also have massage rooms, napping rooms, and a cafeteria, because Japan.    Ena: Dude I am Japanese. #brightmoment  #likeaboss in my yukata. I love yukatas. I truly do. I'd wear them out all the time but it's so long that I think people may accidentally step on it and disrobe me. And then I'd get arrested and be eating donburis in prison. Is there nakedness? Yes. Is it awkward? Only if you stare, you pervert. Did I get self-conscious? Well, I had eaten a seven-course omakase right before and a takoyaki the size of my fist. I was basically a giant walking takoyaki myself.  Yes. BIG. thanks. But when you're surrounded by boisterous women with tight perms strutting around without and waving their towels in the air, suddenly you realize that the answer to true freedom lies in the bubbles of a hot water bath. I know that doesn't make sense, but I have less dead skin cells than you now, so HAH! Friday, December 06, 2013FrozenSince turning 22, I find myself maturing. I'm more discerning with my entertainment preferences; gone are the days of romantic comedies and mindless Marvel fare. I want history. I want the exploration of the human psyche. I want an honest depiction of prevalent social issues. Naturally, I turned to Disney.  Every child probably has a fond childhood memory of Disney movies, but I was more a Mr. Bean kind of girl. What followed was a boycott of Disney movies for a couple of years as I needed the time to heal. Slowly but surely, I started opening my heart to Disney once again, but always holding it at arms length because I feared that it would catch me unexpected and spring a surprise death on me again. It would be like suddenly seeing this face pop out from behind a pillar.  "Gotcha!!!" The Disney movies in recent years have been nice, but not particularly memorable. I only remember watching 'Brave' because the characters spoke with a Scottish accent which I tried to imitate, only that I ended up sounded Indian. This year, the three of us girls decided to watch Frozen! I had really high expectations because of all the fanfare ("It's the best Disney movie since The Lion King!") We got to our premium seats. Chlo wrapped herself up in her unglam auntie shawl, Becky put her legs up, and I stabbed the straw into my cup of pao pao cha. The magic was about to begin. 
Now, I don't have a very good rep when it comes to being a passive spectator in the cinema. I scream at moments when no one else screams during a horror movie. I laugh at jokes that no one else laughs at during comedies. In short, I don't blend in very well.
So this is where it got embarrassing.
During a chase scene towards the end of the movie, there was some destruction and many things collapsed on an endearing character (I know I'm not describing it very well but I'm trying not to give away any spoilers here HAHA).
*Cue sharp but dainty intakes of breath from some members of the audience*
Me: *gasp* NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The next few minutes of the movie were lost on me because I was hiding my face behind Chlo's armpit. Partly because I was afraid of seeing another Disney character die on me, and also because six year olds looked like they wanted to throw popcorn at me.
Watch it to find out if 'Frozen' killed off another 'good father lion' on me (Moosaka? Mustafa?) It's a touching film! At one point I wanted to cry but held it in because I didn't want to be all weepy when the six year olds sitting around us looked so stoic. Hmph.
 http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vogja True story. Sunday, October 13, 2013Restaurant Week 2013I love food, but I usually don't like to spend a lot of money on it because I'm very easily satisfied. A whole roast chicken from Nando's costs $35.90, but I can get a honey glazed one from NTUC at $5.90, rip it up like a caveman and eat it sitting on the bench or at the beach (FYI, I've done both). With Restaurant Week, I get to pretend to be a tai-tai and savour an atas 3-course meal at a fraction of what it would normally cost. YAY! I'd get up from the cushy restaurant seat and dance, but the napkin would fall off my lap and my tai-tai facade would disappear as fast as the dessert on my plate. So, no. This year, I had dinner with three other  Double Date! Not. Thank goodness the cutlery placements were simple. I remember Paul and I getting confused over which fork to use when we tried out Equinox two years back. HAHA. That's not to say the night wasn't without its embarrassing moments. I distinctly remember Beu exclaiming how nice the free bread rolls were, and wondering out loud if they were going to give her more.  Appetizer: Bay Scallops. ALL of us had this even though there were two other options on the menu. I suggested us ordering different items so that we could try a variety, but no one wanted to give up scallops for some root-vegetable salad, especially Paul-"scallops, duh!"-Goh. Beu liked it so much that she thought it'd be perfect if the meal were to end there. I replied that it'd be very sad to tell others that the entire dinner consisted of three mollusks on a satay stick. She then tried to make the scallop experience last for as long as possible by savouring it in nibbles, only finally finishing it when I stared her down cos we were all done and hungry for the next course.  Main: Grilled halibut with cous cous. At this point, the dinner conversation was about what to do after graduation. I have to mention that those three are highly intelligent law students with a stable career (and MONEYYY) set for the future. Two years from now, they'd be able to dine at The Royal Mail every evening while I continue tearing roast chicken apart on public benches. Or, I could be... Beu: Izzy, you should be a FOOD CRITIC! Me: YES, then I can try lots of food!! By the way, Paul can you take some of my cous cous please Paul: You don't like it? Me: It's, like, very NGUEHHHH *monstrous face* -silence- Paul: Eh if this is how you describe food, I don't think you should be a food critic HAHA Dang I think he's right HAHA. I shall watch more Masterchef and expand my vocabulary.  Beu and Teck Ming's Duck Breast with pumpkin and horseradish puree!  Asian taking pictures of Asians taking pictures of food (It's like INCEPTION HAHAH okay maybe not.) By the time we were done  The guy has bad luck with desserts. Apparently he was served a single mushy blackened banana for dessert during his Restaurant Week lunch earlier that day. I know I shouldn't laugh, but I did.  Dessert: Trio of red velvet cake, some mousse and a chocolate peanut butter tart! Yay! Can't wait for the next Restaurant Week when I can pretend I'm a rich tai-tai who eats plump scallops before every meal. For now, it's back to my $5.90 roast chicken. Excuse me while I find a park bench. Tuesday, October 08, 2013Turning 22There's a certain law proposed by the EU that proposes the 'Right to be Forgotten.' Basically, if I regret posting an unglam picture of myself online 10 years from now, I can request for the websites to remove them permanently to protect my reputation. That proposed law was recently veto-ed. Bad news, considering how I'm the kind of person who'd eat the doughnuts first and regret it only after they've showed up on my butt. Do now, think later. I recently turned 22. After a very loud and embarrassing birthday dinner with the girls at Crystal Jade (I told the waitress that my glass of water was missing when it was actually right under my nose), I was at home looking through old pictures of how I've  13, with eyebrows that were too thick. Mum keeps insisting that they're my "trademark" and that they make me "very special." I can't help but agree, but I think we're having very different concepts of what 'special' means.  14, with eyebrows that were too thin. I remember that night when I finally decided that HECK, I HAVE CONTROL OVER MY OWN FACIAL HAIR. It was one thing to be au naturel but another to be looking like a yeti in an MG uniform. I didn't have an eyebrow pencil, so I took a dark purple ZIG marker (I kid you not), and outlined the shape of my dream eyebrows before wrestling with the tweezers for the next half an hour. Evidently, I should have used a thicker marker.  15. Someone please burn my tweezers and pass me an oil blotter.  17, and having a face rounder than the char siew paus we were eating at Beu's birthday lunch. In the background, her older brother Jevan wonders why his sister didn't have cooler friends.  18, and surprising Becky with a birthday celebration in a kopitiam toilet. Somehow I don't think I remember her touching the cake at all.  20. Ate too many burritos in Arizona. .JPG) 21, and cleaning shit off the walls (nah it was misfired chocolate cake - no points for guessing who they were aiming at)  And since we're on this particular thread, this is the product of my virgin attempt at baking when I was 17! They're peanut butter cookies, though from this angle it looks like some elephants trampled on their own poop. It was my 'I want to get married and be a housewife' phase so I went crazy with the baking, at times with aforementioned results. That may explain why I was left on the shelf for a long time after that. In 5 years time I may look back at this and wish that the EU's 'Right to be Forgotten' was in place. But for now, I just thank God for seeing me through 22 years thus far, and also for making it dawn on me that boardshorts weren't as fashionable as I thought they were. Can't wait for what the future has to offer! At least I'll be facing it with proper eyebrows. ;) Tuesday, August 06, 2013ANYONGHASAEYO!I realize that it's a little belated to blog about Seoul only on my final night here, but since I'm always the girl who churns out the assignments at the last minute, this is pretty much standard play. I'll blog in parts, so this is the first of (hopefully) more to come! So it started with me almost shitting in my pants on the flight there. It was an overnight flight, I had the window seat, and my digestive system just spontaneously decided to go for a ride as well. I didn't want to disturb the sleep of the two men sitting on the same row, but there also wasn't a way I could just climb over them without having my butt pressed against their faces at some point in time. I finally worked up the guts to wake them up. I had no choice. If I didn't, something very different from courage would be spilling from my guts, and that would wake them up anyway. After apologizing profusely for disturbing their sleep, I finally arrived at the bathroom door. The seatbelt sign came on. The flight stewardess asked me to get back to my seat because of the turbulence. She didn't seem to care that the real turbulence was happening in my large intestines. Thank goodness I managed to hold it in (literally). I was wearing white shorts.
GAPYEONG-GUN
 Things started getting wayyy better though!  The Garden of Morning Calm! We thought the Garden would just have leaves and soil but there were mountains, streams, and large open fields for lovers to run into each other's arms.  Ditched the flip-flops halfway and went barefoot!  Blatantly ignored the 'Danger- Do Not Cross' sign and crossed anyway despite the strong current. A little girl saw us doing it and wanted to do the same but her Mum stopped her. The girl burst into tears, and we ran away immediately. I don't think we'll be getting any presents from Santa this year.  Adventures Beyond the Refrigerator (Part 1)Meteor Garden - the 'Looking into the Distance for a Wi-Fi Signal' edition.  He was supposed to look like a romantic, but ended up looking like he's allergic to pollen.  Stayed in a traditional Hanok house for the night! I expected to wake up with a backache from sleeping on the floor but I had a really good sleep. I really am turning into an old woman  Because we wanted to wake up BEAUTIFUL. Even if we did wake up beautiful, we were still just a group of bimbos cos we kept getting lost trying to find our way back. It got to the point when we were randomly boarding trains hoping that it'd take us in the right direction hahahaha. Still, best weekend in South Korea, hands down. :) Monday, March 25, 2013If you scroll down to my last post, you'd see a one-liner about how I'm longing for adventure.I'm pretty sure that when I blogged that, I was envisioning myself: 1) Running (but not for very long) across a big green field (with overgrown grass cos that's how it looks like in Twilight) with the wind in my hair 2) Hitching rides from strangers on a cross-country adventure with only a baguette in my pocket and a backpack full of smelly clothes 3) Trekking through forests and sprinting away from wild boars cos my Adidas deodorant makes me smell like a big fruit I always have these romanticized ideals of what my great adventures would be like, but they are often a far cry from reality. Case in point: the last time I had an 'adventure,' I got stranded in the middle of nowhere amidst a freezing thunderstorm in Arizona with nothing but a porn shop for a landmark. The idea for yesterday's outing with Keqin and Sieuping was innocuous enough. We were going off the beaten track to visit the goat farm at Choa Chu Kang. In fact, it sounds like an excursion for preschool kids - how harmless can it be? But more on that later. Our first stop: Bollywood Veggies, a farm growing organic produce!  I'd love to say that I relished every moment of being away from the concrete jungle and surrounded by lush greenery. But I was actually just really craving ice kachang. After awhile, the different plants were all starting to look the same (i.e. green), because none of them were really bearing fruit. And so I found other ways to amuse myself.  HAHAHA I'm supposed to be looking seductive here, but I think I look more like I'm trying to control my bladder.  At the Lookout Point, looking out. BAHAHA. The only thing I managed to see was the shuttle bus arriving in the distance. Which is when we realized that we should probably run for the shuttle bus, which arrives only once every hour.  And so we ran. I sprinted like how I used to dash to the canteen whenever the recess bell rang, complete with wildly flailing arms and nary a shred of self-dignity. After looking like fools, we managed to catch the shuttle bus, yay!!! :D It turned out to be the wrong bus. But anyway, after 45 minutes of walking, we finally managed to reach the goat farm! MEHHHHHHHH (okay I'll shut up now HAHA).  LOVERZ.  Self-conscious goat smelling his ass. Maybe he didn't manage to find a lover like the other goats did.  This one decided that he could no longer tolerate another day of having his udders squeezed, and so proceeded to try ending it all. I don't think it worked. 
Drinking goats milk! I didn't buy any back because after seeing all the goats, I didn't really want to keep consuming what came out of their udders. Okay, so here comes the highlight of my post. The part where I almost didn't live to eat another peanut butter waffle. It was supposed to be a short walk to the Frog Farm. I don't know why I had so much confidence that we would find it easily, especially after incidents like the shuttle bus fiasco. I think somewhere along the way we got a little bit lost, and wandered into DARK, DANGEROUS TERRITORY.  Stop laughing. YES, it does say Puppy Centre. But referring to them as puppies is like calling a king cobra a mealworm. It didn't help that there were like ten of them. They started barking at us as though we had put their families on skewers and roasted them above an open fire. The two of them were walking behind me, and I could hear the panic in Sieuping's voice. "Eh, will they come after us?!" I turned back to reassure her. "Don't worry! There's a fence." What happened after that was a blur. Suddenly Ke Qin kept yelling a particular swear word - the one that was in Jennifer Lawrence's head when she tripped over her dress at the Oscar's. Sieuping was pointing frantically behind my shoulder, and the girl is super tan but for the first time she looked fair-skinned because all the colour had drained from her face. In all that chaos I started screaming like a bimbo too even though I had no idea what was going on. I turned behind to look. The dogs were out. And they were coming at us with the same look that I have in my eyes when I'm at a buffet. In that few seconds, the number of things that flashed across my head outnumbered any amount of food I have ever managed to squeeze onto my dinner plate during said buffet. Thought #1: WWBGD?! (What Would Bear Grylls Do?!) Thought #2: Should I run? Do I throw my lotus paste buns at them? What about throwing my lotus paste buns at them WHILE running? Thought #3: STOP, DROP AND ROLL. Wait, no... different kind of emergency. And as a show of utmost loyalty to friendship, at some point I might even have gestured frantically to the two girls and started yelling: "TAKE THEM! TAKE THEM!!!" Just when I was about to really stop, drop and roll, a car passed by and the sound of the engine made the dogs run back in. THANK GOD, because I was already preparing to jump into the vehicle, even if it meant flinging myself onto the laps of the three old men at the back seat. After that, we decided to give up on the Frog Farm. At that point, the only frogs I wanted to see were those on a dinner plate, stir fried with ginger and chilli. And it wasn't even the end of it, because we were miles away from civilisation, it was about to rain, and NONE of the passing cars were willing to stop for us. I mean, how malicious do we look! Two of us are carrying goats milk, and I'm there clutching my lotus paste buns with this retarded look on my face. We eventually ended up just making it all the way to the bus stop on foot, goats milk and lotus paste buns in hand. Next Sunday, I think I'll just stick to exploring the other side of my bed. |
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